4 O'clock
by fan-to-fiction
Summary: Leave me alone. Don't follow me. I just want to sleep. Do have I to beg you? I hate you! Just let me sleep. R


Author's notes: I do not own Gundam Wing. This is just a stress reliever since I still don't know the result of my finals. Enjoy!

_**4 o'clock**_

I gasp as I shut my eyes again. I had hoped, no, I had prayed that I wouldn't see 'that' again. But my hope and prayers were in vain as flashes of my dream, my nightmare, passed before me.

_-Are you lost?-_

I've been lost forever. Ever since I was born. Ever since I could walk.

_-Here, I'll give you this flower-_

That had given me hope, but just like that flower it had withered away and died. At exactly 4 o'clock. The moment I had pulled the trigger. The moment I had pressed the button.

_-I said, are you lost?-_

Yes, you have no idea how lost I am. Stuck forever in this memory, in this dream, this nightmare.

Getting up, I walk out of my room and down the stairs. I'm dreaming, everything is a haze. Everything but her.

_-Are you lost?-_

I look around, pivoting on my feet. No one there, but I can feel her watching me. I can almost hear the bark of the puppy, her tinkling laughter.

_-I said, are you lost?-_

I squeeze my eyes shut, clench my fists tightly. Every night it's the same. Every time at 4 o'clock. There is no way to escape, it will keep coming back to my dying day.  
The smell of burning flesh, the glow of melting steel. And in the back of my mind, the screams of the dying.

_-I'm taking Mary out for a walk.-_

I had also gone for just a walk. A walk around the block, around the base. A walk in the park, a walk through the horrors of my deed.  
I try to blink the memories away, but they have etched themselves in my mind.

Why does it still hurt so much? Why can't I forget. I want to forget, to have her burried and forgotten. But she still haunts me, she is still asking me.

_-Are you lost?-_

Yes, I'm lost. Lost in my own mind, in my pain, my suffering. I tried to forget, it didn't work.

_-Oh, that's so sad.-_

I just want to sleep. I'm so sleepy and yet I can't sleep. She keeps me awake, she makes me scream. I want it. I want to end it. I don't care how.

_-Well, I'm not lost.-_

You were lost the moment you met me. The moment I pulled the trigger, the moment I pushed the button.  
I didn't hear your screams, I only found your dress. I didn't hear your screams, I only heard your questions. I didn't hear your screams, I only died that day with you.

It wasn't my fault, I'm not the one to blame. I keep repeating this over and over again. I almost believe myself. But I can't.  
It's 4 o'clock and my mind keeps walking circles. Keeps remembering, keeps talking.

_-Are you lost?-_

No, I'm not lost. I'm just going mad. I can not sleep, I can not hide. I can only remember you and your puppy. You and your flower. You and your hat.  
I'm not lost at all, I've always been found by people. So they can use me. Hurt me. Abuse me. No, I'm not lost.

_-I said, are you lost?-_

Yes, I am. I've been lost ever since I was born. I can not remember a thing. I only remember you. You and your puppy, you and your flower. You and your sympathy.

_-Oh, that's so sad.-_

What is sad? That you lost your innocence? That you lost your puppy? That I pulled the trigger, pushed the button?  
It's 4 o'clock and I keep hearing you. But... I don't need your sympathy! I need to sleep! I need to forget! Do not fucking show me sympathy!

I keep chanting the words you make me repeat. I keep seeing the images you make me remember. I keep hearing the questions and orders you make me listen to.

_-Well, I'm not lost.-_

Well, I am. Sorry to dissapoint you. But I don't need it, I don't need the stupid flower, the idiotic sympathy. You're dead, why can't you stay that way?  
Let me sleep, oh, let me sleep. I'm begging you, this insomnia is killing me.

_-I'm taking Mary out for a walk.-_

No you're not. Your taking a walk around in my head. Just leave, leave already. I can't take it anymore. It's 4 o'clock and you still don't leave me alone. Just leave. Don't make me remember, don't make me listen, don't make me fucking beg!

_-Here, I'll give you this flower.-_

I don't need your flower. I just need to be left alone. Why can't you abide my only wish. Let me sleep. Leave me alone.  
Get out of my head!

You made me suffer the consequenses. You made me hurt. Was it my penance? My punsihment to the sin? Do you have any idea what you cost me? What I lost?  
I bet you don't. You only gave me a flower, I took your dead puppy. And I lost both.

_-Now retrain him at once!-_

I lost my humanity. I lost my emotions. But I didn't lose you. The only thing I wanted to lose, and you stayed. I hate you! I hate you! I don't fucking need you!  
Leave me alone! Just let me forget you. You and those others that fucked up my life.

_-Are you lost?-_

No, I'm not. Or yes, I am. How do I know when I don't even know what being lost means? You make me doubt myself, you make me insomniac. I don't fucking need any pity, I don't fucking need retraining. I got both.

_-Our weapon has no use of human kindness!-_

I lost myself, I didn't lose you. I lost myself, I haven't found me again. I lost everything, they stripped me naked. No more feeling, no more emotion. Only orders and killing.

I hate you, I hate you! Don't keep me awake. Let me sleep. Please, just leave me. I'd rather be lost than spending my life with you. I don't want you near me, in my mind, in my head. Just already fucking leave!

_-I said, are you lost?-_

I'm dying, no, I'm already dead. I need a grave, I need a funeral. But nobody gives me that. I still walk, but I'm an empty shell. I still see, but only you. I still listen, but only to you. I still smell, but only the burning flesh.

_-Oh, that's so sad.-_

I don't need your image. I don't need your teddybear, or your puppy. I don't need your flower or your hat. I don't need your damn childish sympathy.  
I only need daylight. I need to escape this waking nightmare. I need deep oblivion.

_-Wait for me Mary-_

Yeah, just go. Run away, leave me alone. Take that flower with you. Take your words away. Throw away your memory. Make me sleep. Let me rest.

But you're still here, you don't leave. You never do. Why? Do you love to torture me? To remind me every night of what I've done? Leave me! Let me sleep! I beg you!

_-Are you lost?-_

Don't make me repeat myself. I don't need you, leave. Just go. Run. I'll kill you.  
You were only one of the many. So stop haunting me. There were others like you, so stop wandering around.

_-I said, are you lost?-_

Don't you want to leave me? Do you love to make me weak, make me cry? I hate your memory. I hate you sympathy. I don't need either.

_-Well, I'm not lost-_

But you are, otherwise you wouldn't be following me. Can't you go home? Go and rest and leave me alone. You're lost and need to go back where you came from.  
But I destroyed your home didn't I? Just try and find another. I'm not the one who is lost, but you. Leave me. Let me sleep.

_-Wait for me, Mary. Wait for me!-_

I can almost hear the pattering of small feet. They run away. The soft bark of a puppy follows soon after. I see the flower clenched in my fist as I open my eyes.

I sigh and go to bed, but as I close my eyes...

_-Are you lost?-_

Author's notes: So what do you think? This was written in the spur of the moment and in a time span of 30 minutes. Review


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